my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
