I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
