I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops