I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
