new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
