when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
