there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
