you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
