Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
