a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize