can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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