woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
