do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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