I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize