It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
how does that bad decision feel?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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