Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
