Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i was born a porn star she said
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Randomize
