The beer is more important than you right now.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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