No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
