I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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