Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
