ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
