I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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