I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
