I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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