if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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