She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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