So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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