How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
