so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
