I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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