I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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