I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
