I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
