dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
