I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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