the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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