So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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