onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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