your room smells of hookers.
And success
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
