just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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