I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
