apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
