It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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