u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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