Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
