Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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