she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
