i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
