I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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