So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
