I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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