I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
