You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
