It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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