My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
