I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
