what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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