So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
