I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
