I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
